Now Accepting.. Applications for New Church

The last 2 Sundays I have been out screening applicants. I am thinking about hiring a church. A place to experience religion and it's benefits. The sense of belonging, the satisfaction of tithing, so that God's joy may be spread worldwide and most of all, salvation.
In the church I have been going to, they wanted to hire me, except I have not met their qualifications. I have not attained Sainthood, my tithing isn't big enough and I can't quit drinking coffee. They are big on worldwide missionary work, rock solid in steps toward salvation, but the fences around the flock are restrictive, especially if you are a woman. As with aspects of many religions, women are considered spiritually challenged. There is a glass ceiling to God, built right in. At least we are among the marginally accepted. They absolutely draw the line on gays. Liberalism is held in disdain and somewhere a prayer is probably offered in hopes that the offender will "see the light".
Somehow, I hoped for better. Something a bit more unconditional, inclusive and forgiving. So, I'm taking applications and I have a few that are looking promising. One church even promises that their views on practical Christianity is configured to honor all the world's religions as pathways to the one true God. Now we are getting somewhere. They even allow gay couples to have union ceremonies or dare I say? Marriages! They have women pastors, as well. I saw ponytails on several males in the congregation. Maybe I died and went straight to heaven! I'm giving this church a second interview next Sunday.